These and the following two are going to be rather short, since Book 4 has three stories, and plus they’re all meant to be humorous. Still, I’ll do my best!



We open Book 4 with Chief Konoe throwing a dart at a map of Japan to decide where their group will be vacationing this year. The dart lands on Hokkaido. I wonder who ordained that they had to decide their vacations like this.

Tsuzuki: Last year we had to play survivalist on a desert island.

Watari: And the year before that, the dart hit the ocean. The water was freezing! Brr…

Now, if the dart hit the water, wouldn’t that lead you to the conclusion that you’d be taking a cruise? I know Tatsumi is a tightwad, but he seems prepared to splurge on this vacation, so why not on a cruise?

Tsuzuki runs off to go tell Hisoka…

Tsuzuki: Hey, Hisoka! We’re going to Hokkaido!

Hisoka: Oh. So you finally got transferred All the way to the other side of Japan, eh?

Snarky, yes, but I’ve managed to pull something shippy out of this. There’s no question that Hisoka would be going with Tsuzuki, even though he thinks only Tsuzuki got transferred (remember that Tsuzuki’s previous-to-Asuka partner was transferred solo). Gives some credence to Book 8’s “I’ll follow you”, doesn’t it. *Feels fuzzy*

Tsuzuki explains that they’re on holiday, and mentions that they’ll be meeting the agents for Hokkaido. Speak of the devil, they pop up (though wouldn’t it have made more sense for them to wait until everyone got to Hokkaido? They just have to go back, anyway). Meet Yuma and Saya: our first (second if you count TsuLeen) try for femmeslash. They immediately begin inspecting Hisoka, which turns into a glomp-fest. These two’s fangirling of Hisoka is every reader’s dream, I think. Hisoka doesn’t like it.

Tsuzuki: They tend to hang on people, regardless of their sex.

There you go, folks. Canon bisexuals.

They’re apparently fans of drag queens, too. Okay, from now on, I’m going to bypass using their names and just call them Teh Fag Hags (“Teh” because this is teh Internetz). Sod political correctness; it suits them.

So anyway, off to Hokkaido they go. Matsushita again tries to pander Straight!Tsuzuki to us by making him flirt with the pretty hostess (while giving us yet another opportunity to interpret Hisoka’s actions as being borne of jealousy ^_~). Teh Fag Hags continue to fangirl Hisoka. I think Yuma is the more forward of the two…she’s the one plying Hisoka was alcohol, after all.

An hour later they are treated to karaoke (I wonder that no one did a Shania Twain song) and then off Tatsumi, Watari, and Tsuzuki go to the hot springs.

Tsuzuki: *Taking off his clothes* Geez…I’m so hot…

Oh yes you are, Tsuzuki. *Drools*

Tatsumi: I…I just got turned on by a man. I wasn’t gay earlier.

Suuuuuuuuuure you weren’t, Tatsumi. Book 5 isn’t about your undying love for Tsuzuki at aaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllll.

I stopped doing Kinsey Scales for the characters. I really shouldn’t have, since my immature self thinks it’s funny. All right, I’ll give you the rundown:

Kinsey 0 (Completely Straight): Konoe, Terazuma, Wakaba, Suzaku, Seiryuu, Genbu, Kouchin, Maria, Kazusa, Hisae, Ayako, Ukyo, Kira
Kinsey 1 (Predominantly Straight): Tsubaki, Tenko, Touda
Kinsey 2 (Mostly Straight): Byakko, Kojiro, Asuka
Kinsey 3 (Completely Bisexual): Tsuzuki, Hisoka, Muraki, Saya, Kijin
Kinsey 4 (Mostly Gay): Watari, Rikugo, Hijiri, Mariko, Maki
Kinsey 5 (Predominantly Gay): Tatsumi, Yuma, Kotaro, Oriya
Kinsey 6 (Completely Gay): Chizuru, Eileen, Mitani, Izuru, Rika
Kinsey 7 (Asexual) (Not an actual Kinsey Number): Taimou, Daion, Tenkuu

Yes, I live a sad, GLBT-obsessed existence. Sue me.

Watari notes that Hisoka isn’t joining them, with Tsuzuki explains is because Hisoka thinks it’s indecent. I bet he thinks a lot of things that involve nudity and older men are indecent. Incidentally, I’d have liked to have been witness to that scene. If it had been taken seriously (not humorously, as the “Secret Tsuzuki Moves” scene was), that would have been a great moment to look into Hisoka’s character. Ever since we started the Gensoukai arc it’s been painfully obvious to me that Hisoka is regressing as a character, and while I know this would be retconning, I’m still desperate for some Reasonable Hisoka Characterization™.

Watari says that he thought your relationship had gotten beyond that, therefore solidifying in my mind the idea that Watari ships TsuSoka. Tsuzuki thinks about how Hisoka has been even more withdrawn than usual ever since then. Given that snowfall in Hokkaido commences in November, it’s been about five months since Tsubaki died. Methinks Hisoka should be in some sort of therapy. Actually, methinks everyone in Meifu, given the fact that all of them died with regrets and can’t move on to peace without rectifying them, should be in some sort of therapy.

Tsuzuki: Next time I see that Muraki, I’m gonna beat the hell out of him!

Aww. Nothing like rendering bodily harm to prove you love someone.

Tsuzuki, Watari, and Tatsumi then discover that they’re next-door to the women’s pool…

Saya: You’re the one who’s gained, Yuma.

Yuma: Only in my breasts!

Saya: Oh, you’re right. They feel heavier now. […] Hey! Stop fondling me, Yuma! Always trying to squeeze the fruit. Sheesh!

Yuma: So? We’re both girls. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.

Saya: I’m not embarrassed; I’m freaked out!

^_^ There’s a reason why Yuma’s got a higher Kinsey number. Is she moving a little fast for you, Saya?

Tatsumi, Tsuzuki, and Watari are embarrassed that they just got extremely turned on by this display of lesbianism. The author’s note says that Tatsumi doesn’t get along with girls, giving the fanbrats a free pass to put Tatsumi in all manners of slash ships. Though he seems to get along well enough with Miya (Tatsumi/Miya FTFW, by the way). Maybe it’s just Teh Fag Hags. Or lesbians. I wonder what his relationship with his little sister was like. Maybe she was a lesbian. I’ll stop now.

The boys try to exit the bath only to be surrounded by talking animals. Now, usually I only do talking animals in Disney movies. I guess it’s okay here, but I’m really not a fan of the genre.

Anyway, cut to lovely naked Hisoka in the bath, angsting about the fact that he’s a pedophile’s dream. I’ve always reasoned that Hisoka actually stopped growing at thirteen, because of the curse and the fact that he’s a little less developed than a lot of sixteen-year-old boys I know. But then, maybe he was just a late bloomer to begin with.

He stands, giving the fangirls some excitement, but unfortunately their boners are harshed when Hisoka slips upon hearing a scream and hits his head. Cut back to Tatsumi, Watari, and Tsuzuki surrounded by clothed, talking animals. Tatsumi’s faces are absolutely priceless, by the way.

Yuma pops up in naked lesbian glory. Apparently they all get dressed, because Hisoka barges in on everybody fully clothed, ending the nudity (and leaving fans undoubtedly disappointed). Nevertheless, Teh Fag Hags glomp him while Tsuzuki passes the Exposition Wand to the talking animals.

Kattsue: Queen Beatrix is the ruler of winter in this land. She came from a far land and created her own kingdom with a mirror given to her by Enma. Everything about the Snow Queen is a mystery.

Um, that sounds pretty cut-and-dry to me, Kattsue. Oh, and Beatrix/Enma teh OTP!

Actually, did y’all know this is a Hans Christian Anderson reference? He wrote a story called “The Snow Queen”. It included a mirror. Except in Anderson’s story, both the Snow Queen and the Mirror were evil—the Snow Queen represented over-rationalism to the point of sacrilege and refusing to see beauty, and the mirror was used to shrink down the appearance of a person’s good qualities until all you could see was their bad traits. In the story, goblins used it to cause trouble. They tried to take it up to Heaven to make fun of God and the angels, but upon nearing Heaven, the mirror shattered and spread across the earth.

In Japanese legend, The Snow Queen, a.k.a. Yuki-onna, is a malevolent spirit. It could’ve been an interesting story arc if this had been the case. In fact, it’s kinda strange that such small, humorous story arcs follow such big huge deals like “King of Swords” and “Devil’s Trill”. It probably would have been better to intersperse these stories, or write them in ascending order of importance.

Kattsue, faking tears with eyedrops, says that Beatrix has been missing all day. Tsuzuki offers to help, but Tatsumi a.k.a. Mr. Politician says it’s none of their business, and Kattsue bribes him. Ah, Tatsumi. Thank the powers that be that you finally got a few dimensions in Book 5, because otherwise you’re a perfect bastard.

We start chapter two with them visiting the ice castle, which has central heating. Go figure. Dr. Yan explains that Beatrix is basically the ASPCA. We are reaffirmed that Tatsumi is only in it for the money. A bunch of squirrels climb all over Tsuzuki. Walt Disney, eat your heart out.

We then take a break to laugh at Tsuzuki’s mad cooking not-skillz. Apparently Ruka taught him how to make this pie, and the way he talks about it makes it seem like she was a prolific chef. This, by the way, only reinforces my belief that the Tsuzuki family was in frequent contact with the British, because apple pie has been present in English culture since Chaucer.

Unfortunately, Tsuzuki’s pie is TEH SUXXOR, enough to make Ruka roll over in her grave. Tsuzuki mentions a box of muffins he gave Teh Fag Hags back in May (between falling in fatuous love with Hisae and getting possessed by Sagatanasu, apparently), which Teh Fag Hags reveal to the readers were left in the Queen’s palace.

MAJOR SIDETRACKING: I know someone is going to ask what fatuous love means, so I’m going to give an explanation.

There are three aspects to love: Intimacy (emotional: “I enjoy spending time with you”), Passion (physical: “I’m sexually attracted to you”), and Commitment (mental: “I’m going to be faithful to you”). There are seven different combinations, and each will give you a different type of love:

Intimacy: Platonic love (love between friends is reportedly, on average, the strongest and longest-lasting type of love)

Passion: Infatuated love (the kind of love schoolgirls get for Orlando Bloom)

Commitment: Empty love (think of those “stay together for the kids” couples)

Intimacy, Passion: Romantic love (a.k.a. dating)

Passion, Commitment: Fatuous love (a.k.a. celebrity marriages that break up after two months because great sex doesn’t change the fact that they hate each other, and what TsuSae would have become had she not died)

Intimacy, Commitment: Companionate love (think of those couples whose relationship “fire” has gone out, but they’re still great friends and don’t have the energy to divorce)

Intimacy, Passion, Commitment: Consummate love (a.k.a. what 60% of the fandom want TsuSoka to become; the most difficult and most rewarding type of love)

/MAJOR SIDETRACKING.

Kattsue says they will consult a fortune-teller to help them find the Queen. Funny that. You’d think they’d have done that earlier. Anyway, Tsuzuki gets hit in the face with a clog. This reminds me of that clogger on So You Think You Can Dance. I don’t think he made the competition, but he was in the Finale because he was really good at clogging. He was really cute. I’m so glad Sabra won. That’s the second time in a row my favorite dancer has won. Yay for Benji and Sabra.

WOW digression. Anyway, a drunk cat is practicing clog fortune-telling. I’ve heard of clog almanacs, but that’s not it, exactly…they decide to go east to find Beatrix.

Tatsumi: All right, Watari and I will pair up […]

*Giggle* There’s a funny fanfic here about Watari playing semantics and making the case that Tatsumi was subconsciously asking to have sex. It’s really good, actually.

Anywha, Tsuzuki and Hisoka leave with Kattsue and Ketto C. It’s a new moon, so it’s pitch black, and Hisoka is starting to get freaked out.

Hisoka (Thoughts): The dark of night brings bad things…I can’t tell where I am. It makes me nervous. Scared.

Tsuzuki: Take my hand. I have good night vision.

*Luna melts into a pile of happy goo*

Hisoka gets in a snit about this. Sorry, ‘Soka, but I think you lost the rights to the Cold-and-Unemotional-Bastard act with the end of Book 3. See, this is what I meant by Hisoka beginning to push Tsuzuki away. Before, Hisoka actually seemed concerned and interested in Tsuzuki’s well-being, even if he couldn’t express it properly (warning Tsuzuki not to get involved with Hisae, warning him not to make promises he can’t keep and at the end reassuring him that he’s not an awful person for not being able to keep those promises, buying him antacids for his hangover, offering to bring something back from the party for him, etc). Starting here, he only treats Tsuzuki with respect and/or concern when something big happens (Mitani dying, Tsuzuki getting shot by an arrow, when Muraki shows up again). Nearly every interaction Hisoka has with Tsuzuki from this point on is either work-related, or involves Hisoka telling Tsuzuki to piss off. Which is TEH SUXXOR (yes, I’m in love with that phrase; it’s almost as good as “douchebaggery”), because now is when Tsuzuki finally stops acting like a douchebag to Hisoka regarding little things like, oh, being raped. These two are NEVER EVER EVER on the same page!

Getting ahead of myself, but this is why the Gensoukai arc annoys the hell out of me. Hisoka was willing to die just so he wouldn’t live without Tsuzuki (which is very poignant for me—my grandmother died a few hours after my grandfather due to a shock-induced heart attack, after sharing childhood, marriage, six kids, and I-don’t-even-know-the-number grandkids. They actually prayed to die together), and then absolutely nothing changes. In fact, Hisoka’s attitude gets worse. No wonder Taimou and Touda (legitimately) dislike him. I dislike him!

I can seriously understand Hisoka shutting down here. What happened with Tsubaki was traumatizing. I’m really surprised that he didn’t suffer some sort of stress disorder. But it makes the most sense to me that Hisoka would begin pulling Tsuzuki closer; awkwardly, yes, because he doesn’t really understand human relationships thanks to his parents, but for the love of all things holy not pushing him away. And even if Hisoka feared the sense of loss and was isolating himself out of self-preservation, he would at least realize that he’s being stupid about this when Tsuzuki almost kills himself. By all accounts that relationship should have CHANGED. Not even necessarily to a romance (even though practically everyone in the fandom sees it progressing that way), but at least to a closer friendship. There’s no progress with these two. It’s really frustrating.

/Rant.

Back to the story. The group lands at Lake Mashu (known for the clarity of its water and the fog that envelops its surface). Hisoka sends out his Empathy to try and detect Beatrix. I’ve been wondering about Hisoka’s Empathy, lately. It seems that he has a pretty good handle on it by now, except when something drastic happens. When did that happen? Oh, and does he have a certain limit as to how far he can detect someone’s consciousness? What’s his radius? And what I really want to know is how he got this power to begin with. In my trilogy I called it as demon possession. I would be so effing stoked if I guessed right. The Kurosaki house is a portal to Hell, I tell you.

Anyway, they’re interrupted when someone shoots an arrow at Hisoka and Tsuzuki takes it for him. Hisoka of course, freaks out. See, this is what I’m talking about. Just a second ago Hisoka was telling Tsuzuki to take his chivalry and shove it up his ass, but as soon as something happens, he actually shows concern.

Tsuzuki: Is that…the King of Lake Mashu?

Wait, what? You didn’t know that there’s a Beatrix to control winter in Hokkaido, but you know there’s a king of a lake?

In any case, the king is xenophobic, calling the Shinigami “dogs” and Beatrix “outlander scum”. He picks a fight with Tsuzuki, who summons Seiryuu, who is scary as all hell.

Tsuzuki trips over a snowman, which turns out to be Beatrix, and everyone heads back to their respective castles. Wow, anti-climactic. Yes, this is humor, and yes, I know Matsushita was probably tired from King of Swords (anyone would be), but I still hold that this would have been awesome if she’d gone the way of Hans Christian Anderson.

As it turns out, Beatrix had found the muffins Saya and Yuma left, went out to eat them so she wouldn’t have to share them, and the awful taste gave her the vapors (*Luna pauses a moment to laugh at an inside joke*), and she passed out. Kattsue informs Tatsumi that since it was Tsuzuki’s fault, they won’t be getting paid. Thus commences Anime violence—a.k.a. the type of violence you instantly recover from with just a bandage on your head.

On the whole, this story is amusing. Nothing edge-of-your-seat, but interesting enough. Hope you had fun!